i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
