I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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