mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
