My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
