if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
