you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
