Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
