My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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