This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
