Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
