i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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