i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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