Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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