there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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