It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
