the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
My dick has a subreddit
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
