how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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