i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
