Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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