The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
