apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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