Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
