turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
