If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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