We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
even my farts smell like vagina
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
