now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
