from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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