Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
