I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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