He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
