only if we run a train.
done.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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