dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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