i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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