the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She told me I should be a condom model.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
