I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm like, not good at living.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
