i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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