If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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