Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
