who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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