just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
