I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
