12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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