I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
