I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
