hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
