my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
