Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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