i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
