If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
