so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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