I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
