how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
